this past life

There were days, months, and years that were lost in the art of simple survival... Would I have changed it for something different? I feel mixed I would have preferred my life as it was, everyday in my role as a mother of a disabled child left me feeling grounded, like a steward knowing my purpose. When he was alive I bathed, fed, positioned, nurtured, sang and danced for my child. After he was gone, I could hear him around me all the time... I dont know how long it took for me to not instinctively go to get his medications ready, to fill his feeding bag, to not hear his voice, to not be by his side.. Sometimes... well alot of times... in my dreams I feel him and I am holding him... I feel every bit of him and and smell his hair and rub his feet like I did before and as I did the night and into the early hours of the morning when he took his last breaths and I laid by his side...