hate me , like me, hate me....

Who could possibly beleive that a office meeting could result in more work for me, the time off I requested for me in my life could turn into having to work more, while the "twinkies" spend their time at work playing farmville, and scouting out guys on "Plenty of Fish"... I have been there 6 almost 7 years, they have been there a few months.... Who would think when I was driving home I would pick up a young couple on their way from missouri headed to colorado springs, then to new mexico, arizona and california... Almost just wanted to go with them what a adventure,started off by car but the car broke down and so did the driver so they are just hitching their rides.... gave a ride almost to colorado springs, wished them well and came home to a babysitting job, not expected, and though I am known as the baby whisperer at work this baby just cries and cries when he is around me... I think his formula is not right seems really gassy but got to wonder, and speaking of babies I met my little downs baby today, could feel her lack of tone, but she is doing great and felt great peace holding and loving her... and supporting dad when he asked if I had someone with downs in my life... I told him about Ryan and assured that I have known people with downs for 19 of my 50 years of life, labels are not the end of the world after all we all have labels... Like my label of the twinkies.. I would love to have a great little mean face character that I could place after that nickname!!!!!

Valentines... straight lined....

Straight line... Went to the local grocery store wanted to get a pretty arrangement for my mom got a very sweet and simple arrangement and a tiny frosted cake to sit in her room as a surprise when she came back from dinner.. Yes the husband asked me to have a appetizer and drink but I figured I would have to pay... Sitting in the long line at the grocery store I had to wonder about all these guys buying flowers and chocolates... and all the radio condemnation about that... I would just love to come home to flowers, chocolates and maybe a fresco meal... Dare I say rose petals sprinkled on my bed and a bubble bathe, but then again we live a pretty ordinary life here... so I will make dinner, wonder about the future, worry about the past and live life... Kinda straight lined...

Tools...

Sometimes it feels like you just get lost in the things that need to be done without saying, the things that explode in your life when you are just trying to do the things that need to be done without saying, and the desperate feeling in side that you would just like to take a moment to breath and rediscover the joy within your own life. Sometimes at the boiling over moment
it is so healing to break the mold... Do something outside of what you do everyday day in and day out and just flow... it brings to life what one needs to keep sanity... Loved my day going to a book signing for someone I never even heard of but touched my life and gave me inspiration..
Go to a exotic spice store and savor the smells of blends that make your mouth water and to buy some and pledge to use them in meaningful not hamburger helper cooking. To think about how good it feels to write even if you have nothing to really say, and to love the fact that just when you think you have had enough.. another day presents itself and shows you it was another day and there was joy.

A Mothers Prayer

On the night after our High School graduation...
I know that I probably drive you guys nuts... no I know I drive you nuts when I talk to you and always end the conversation with my phrase " it is just because I love you".... but it is true... I just want your lives to work out well, and though I know that I am not the one who can always control this and I trust your decisions you must know that I am the one who will always be there
if it doesnt work out how you imagined that you can talk to ... who will listen and not judge but gently nugg you to think about your path again... I can remember your day of conception... I remember every day you grew within me and the long over due days of gestation... In a way I still feel that we are gestating now as you grow into adulthood and I hope that my support will always help you to find a base to go on to where you find your own spot of life... and live well

woops I wrote again about grief

This is my lesson in grief.

You know when you first lose some one that you love grief is like a wild bouncing ball
that you cant control... it just flies around totally out of your control here and there to a place that you cant even remember days in and out... and you try to catch it but you just cant...
eventually you catch the ball and you tuck it safely inside a pocket close to your heart and you
have some sort of control but some times the ball just randomly falls out and it just bounces around out of your control and you chase it and and try to catch it because you didnt expect for it to just fall out right then and there but it did and you cant catch it. Sometimes after this you think you have it all in control and you just dont want to be suprised with extreme emotion. Then the little ball falls out again and you just didnt know that it would but somehow you can take this ball and examine and feel the feelings and pain and hold it without having to say a word

In the middle of kids and parents...

You know I love my mom more than anything... I remember being little and
going to the library with my mom... We checked out a book about the journey of
a snow flake and the fact of it being formed and living the cycle of life... I remember lazy summer afternoons listening to my mother read this story to me and my sister and how much I loved every moment of this book... I als0 remember reading a book about the last leaf on a tree to my son before he died and I think about him and reflect about this book, as well as Jonathan livingston seagull and Freddie the leaf. And sometimes I am terrified in the middle of the night and I just want to hold him and to never let him go from me... but sometimes life before us is revealed before it happens.. maybe in childhood books it is almost like a learning plan. It sometimes amazes me how books from our childhood can hold so much to what is before us.

After all the years...

I have to wonder? Why is it that greed can bring some down to such a low vindictive level. Sadly, scavengers will always be waiting to feast on the fallen. Opportunistically sweeping in on what they cannot and will not ever understand. How dare these vultures ever believe their thievery entitles them to any piece of my son's legacy, my sanity, or a rightful balance of all the wrongs created from the hard painful years we as a family have endured since he left this earth...
How can they understand the dark painful years after his death, the need to grieve to feel the
emptiness and pain. Yet they gorged on the venerability, diluted the meaning and preyed and preyed on emotions that needed to be sacred and handled one by one, individually by a mother and a family who lost their child and their brother
Like a carnival they covered over the base of the matter, with Flem flam, gymnastics, and one show wonders... Brainwashing the niave for their own benefit to fill their own empty thirst and glutinize their own futures... They had no concern as to the living, feeling matter below their own "show", the place they covered with their fealth. Now the years have passed, the time to grieve
could be finally here.... Should be allowed to feel the emptiness left behind by his death and be allowed a time to heal, but the scavengers wont leave, they want to pick dry bones and drink of the little water there is... WHY????