A Mothers Prayer

On the night after our High School graduation...
I know that I probably drive you guys nuts... no I know I drive you nuts when I talk to you and always end the conversation with my phrase " it is just because I love you".... but it is true... I just want your lives to work out well, and though I know that I am not the one who can always control this and I trust your decisions you must know that I am the one who will always be there
if it doesnt work out how you imagined that you can talk to ... who will listen and not judge but gently nugg you to think about your path again... I can remember your day of conception... I remember every day you grew within me and the long over due days of gestation... In a way I still feel that we are gestating now as you grow into adulthood and I hope that my support will always help you to find a base to go on to where you find your own spot of life... and live well

woops I wrote again about grief

This is my lesson in grief.

You know when you first lose some one that you love grief is like a wild bouncing ball
that you cant control... it just flies around totally out of your control here and there to a place that you cant even remember days in and out... and you try to catch it but you just cant...
eventually you catch the ball and you tuck it safely inside a pocket close to your heart and you
have some sort of control but some times the ball just randomly falls out and it just bounces around out of your control and you chase it and and try to catch it because you didnt expect for it to just fall out right then and there but it did and you cant catch it. Sometimes after this you think you have it all in control and you just dont want to be suprised with extreme emotion. Then the little ball falls out again and you just didnt know that it would but somehow you can take this ball and examine and feel the feelings and pain and hold it without having to say a word

In the middle of kids and parents...

You know I love my mom more than anything... I remember being little and
going to the library with my mom... We checked out a book about the journey of
a snow flake and the fact of it being formed and living the cycle of life... I remember lazy summer afternoons listening to my mother read this story to me and my sister and how much I loved every moment of this book... I als0 remember reading a book about the last leaf on a tree to my son before he died and I think about him and reflect about this book, as well as Jonathan livingston seagull and Freddie the leaf. And sometimes I am terrified in the middle of the night and I just want to hold him and to never let him go from me... but sometimes life before us is revealed before it happens.. maybe in childhood books it is almost like a learning plan. It sometimes amazes me how books from our childhood can hold so much to what is before us.

After all the years...

I have to wonder? Why is it that greed can bring some down to such a low vindictive level. Sadly, scavengers will always be waiting to feast on the fallen. Opportunistically sweeping in on what they cannot and will not ever understand. How dare these vultures ever believe their thievery entitles them to any piece of my son's legacy, my sanity, or a rightful balance of all the wrongs created from the hard painful years we as a family have endured since he left this earth...
How can they understand the dark painful years after his death, the need to grieve to feel the
emptiness and pain. Yet they gorged on the venerability, diluted the meaning and preyed and preyed on emotions that needed to be sacred and handled one by one, individually by a mother and a family who lost their child and their brother
Like a carnival they covered over the base of the matter, with Flem flam, gymnastics, and one show wonders... Brainwashing the niave for their own benefit to fill their own empty thirst and glutinize their own futures... They had no concern as to the living, feeling matter below their own "show", the place they covered with their fealth. Now the years have passed, the time to grieve
could be finally here.... Should be allowed to feel the emptiness left behind by his death and be allowed a time to heal, but the scavengers wont leave, they want to pick dry bones and drink of the little water there is... WHY????

I am thinking about the early days, the days when we packed up the van and took road trips.. New mexico, and the long one when I sold my other car and we went to the west coast, San Francisco, down south to San Diego, Arizona and back home... It took us a month... Ryan, me and grandma and the van packed full of Ryans special food, meds and everything he would need. I still have the video of the big ry in the back of the van "cherkeling" as we use to call it at the joy of the experience...

this past life

There were days, months, and years that were lost in the art of simple survival... Would I have changed it for something different? I feel mixed I would have preferred my life as it was, everyday in my role as a mother of a disabled child left me feeling grounded, like a steward knowing my purpose. When he was alive I bathed, fed, positioned, nurtured, sang and danced for my child. After he was gone, I could hear him around me all the time... I dont know how long it took for me to not instinctively go to get his medications ready, to fill his feeding bag, to not hear his voice, to not be by his side.. Sometimes... well alot of times... in my dreams I feel him and I am holding him... I feel every bit of him and and smell his hair and rub his feet like I did before and as I did the night and into the early hours of the morning when he took his last breaths and I laid by his side...